Tayla

I started smoking around 15, 16, but it wasn’t full-time. I was walking home from college with friends. They used to take their college shirts off to be in mufti, ’cause they wore singlets or other t-shirts under their uniforms. I eventually figured out they did that so their uniforms didn’t stink of cigarettes.

One day, I said, “Okay, give it here”. There was no pressure from them. I did it just to be cool and to fit in. I took a puff and coughed my bloody lungs out and my mates cracked up laughing. I was like, “How the hell can you smoke when you cough your lungs out like that?”  They said, “Now you’ve tried it, you’ll find if you smoke again, you won’t cough as much.” I thought nah, not gonna do that. But, a week or so later I was like, oh shit, give me a puff. I coughed once or twice, but that was it. Before I knew it, I had taken it up. I still remember it was horrible and there’s times I sit here and I’m like, man, why did I start smoking?

I had a bit of a rough time not long before I turned 16. That’s when I began smoking full-time. I had a very rough childhood. My father is an alcoholic, and mum and dad ended up breaking up. Mum was like, “I don’t want you kids staying with your father”, which was fine. But it was very hard going from having 2 parents at home – regardless of the fact that it wasn’t really a happy loving household – to all of a sudden not being around Dad. It sort of made me rebel. 

Both of my parents smoked. They still do, and my siblings.

I would say I’m quite a heavy smoker now. I smoke about 15 a day. 10 to 15 minutes after I get up, I go to the loo, put the jug on, make the kids breakfast and while they’re eating, I sit outside and have a coffee and a smoke, and then kind of start my day. If I’m really busy, there’s days where I can go half a day without one. And then, there’s days where I’ll sit there and smoke 2, or 2 in a row.   

Quit attempts?

I’ve managed to give up a couple of times, but unfortunately I’ve ended up back on them. 

The first time was after I collapsed at home. I got an extreme pain and fell on the floor. The hospital was like, “You’ve had an episode of pericarditis. You’ve got ventricular tachycardia, so your heart’s beating way too quick.” That was when I was like, whoa! I’m giving up.

I quit for a while when I got pregnant with my son, when I was 18. I didn’t find out I was pregnant till about 9 or 10 weeks. My midwife said, “Because you’ve been smoking quite heavily don’t just give up cold turkey. You need to wean yourself off as soon as you can, because smoking’s not good for the baby. But wean yourself, because then you’re less likely to take it up again later in the pregnancy.” So, I started weaning myself off and by the time I was around 15, 16 weeks, I’d completely come off them.

My son was born with major heart complications. He was in hospital for the first month of his life. I had fallen out with Mum and was living with Dad. There were times we would go for a walk and Dad would light up a cigarette. One day, I asked, “Can I have one?” Things were stressful – my son had just had open heart surgery. So, I started again.

Being young, I had all this guilt. I was like, was it my smoking? Did I do this?  But they said no. The damage to his heart was hereditary. I always thought it was me and the smoking.

I gave up again when he was about 3. I told my doctor I wanted to quit. I’d tried a couple of times with the gum and the patches. I never really liked the lozenges. There was a couple of times they did work, and I wouldn’t feel like I needed a cigarette. But I didn’t like the sore throat I got after sucking them. The patches I reacted to, and so I gave them up real quick. The gum didn’t do anything for me. So, my doctor put me on Champix.  That worked for, like, 6 or 8 weeks.  I completely came off the cigarettes.

At that time, I had had a huge falling out with my flatmate and I went to stay with Mum. She and my stepdad were both heavy smokers. Eventually, I just picked them up. Things were rough with my flatmate and I didn’t know if me and my son still had somewhere to live.  

I now have a 1-year-old and during the pregnancy with her, I sort of quit, but didn’t. When I first fell pregnant with her, I had only just lost my grandmother and things were very hard.  I got right down to only having 1 a day. I went several weeks without any at all. But I had major morning sickness. I was sick 24/7. Sometimes going outside for a couple of puffs on a cigarette made me feel better.

My daughter has a rare kidney disease. She receives treatment once a week. Her condition isn’t hereditary. She’s just extremely unlucky. 

Healthcare support to stop smoking

All the doctors and that say, “Are you ready to give up yet?  You should give up, it would take some of the strain off your heart.”  There’s a part of me that does want that. They always say, “We’re not gonna force you into it. But if you’re ready to give up and when you want to give up, you come and see us.” 

In the past, when I’ve had people ask me about smoking, they’ve typically been non-smokers and so they don’t get it.

I suffer a bit of anxiety and depression, all of that. I’m working closely with my GP at the moment and she believes I may be suffering a bit of PTSD. If I’m feeling very anxious, sitting outside and having a cigarette takes it away.

I know it’s a bad habit. It’s something I want to give up, hence the many attempts. Unfortunately, I have a very addictive personality and it’s in my family.

I don’t only wanna do it for my own health, but for the kids. Being addicted to smoking and having smoked for half my life, I’d hate to see the kids grow up and be smokers. It is very addictive and it costs a hell of a lot. But, things have been stressful. I know for a fact that while things are so hard, now is not the time. It’d be a waste of time because I’ll only end up doing it again. 

I wanna wait till things are a bit better in life with the kids and I’m in a better place. Then I’ll be able to kick it. I don’t wanna put myself in a situation where I’m just going straight back to it. 

Tried vaping?

Before I got pregnant with my daughter, my Nanna was really sick. The last month of her life she spent in the hospital. Me and my Mum took turns caring for her. Money was really tight because I was back and forth so much and a couple of times, I bought tailor-mades, a couple of times I would just smoke my Mum’s. Then my cousin said, “hey, why don’t you try a vape?” And I said, “well, shit, it’s gonna be a lot cheaper than smoking, yeah, I’ll give it a try.” I tried it.

It did kind of work. I went many days without a cigarette, by only using the vape. But, it wasn’t enough for me. I could spend half an hour puffing on the vape and I wouldn’t feel like I’d had a cigarette. Then I’d go and have a cigarette and I could go hours without one.

For me, the sweet fruity flavours of the vape was yuck. You can get tobacco ones, but I found a tobacco one would be almost as bad as smoking like a home-grown cigarette. They were very strong, and it really hurt my throat so I didn’t like using them. 

Smokefree 2025

I don’t think it will happen. A lot of people have quit. Some of that is due to the constant increase in the price. People can’t afford it anymore. But, if I go up to Mum’s farm and we have a gathering with some of her friends – 95% of them smoke. A lot of older people have been doing it all their lives, like my Mum. Can I ever see my Mum giving up?  No. I’ve asked, “Have you ever thought about giving up?” 

Mum goes, “Yeah, fuck, all the time, but I can’t. I’ve tried to slow down. I’ve tried to stop, but I can’t do it. I’ve been doing it for, like, 40 odd years now” A lot of the older generation that I’ve spoken to have said that there’s no giving up in sight. 

I also see so many young people smoking. It’s quite bad in our town – the crime here and the statistics aren’t that great. Wherever you go, there’s young 15, 16, 17-year-olds smoking. They’re all doing it and I can’t see it stopping any time soon. There’s not really a lot for teenagers to do.  There’s a lot of young, pissed teenagers walking around drinking and smoking. A lot of the kids around here have grown up in very rough households with parents drinking and smoking, and there’s a lot of drugs in this area. I see so many kids smoking and whatnot, I guess to escape all the crap, like domestic violence at home. I know from experience. As a teenager, smoking was a major escape and a way to get away. A lot of teens in my area are doing the same.

Tried home grown tobacco?

My dad’s friend used to grow tobacco, pretty much just ’cause he was sick of having to pay for it. It’s not flavoured. One cigarette of home-grown tobacco was like puffing on 10 at once. It was very strong. The stuff I smoke is rum flavoured. It’s nice and occasionally it has like a little bit of a sweet taste to it. But the home-grown tobacco, it’s just grown, picked, dried and smoked. It’s very, very harsh.

Bans on where people can smoke…

I’m in a rental property and, of course, you’re not meant to smoke inside. But I’ve never liked to sit around the kids and smoke. I always go sit outside by myself and have one.

I don’t smoke in the car. I never have with the kids. I won’t jump in a car when someone has been smoking in it. I think there’s only been a couple of times I’ve had to jump in, like, into dad’s van with kids. They don’t smoke in the car when we’re in the car. 

As a kid, back in the 90s, there wasn’t really rules about smoking in cars. I remember as a kid having to breathe it in. It was horrible. I hated being in the car because I knew that Dad was gonna smoke and it’s not something I will do.  The ban on smoking in cars when kids are there is good.  

Taxing tobacco

There have been times I’ve struggled financially. I limit myself to a 30-gram packet a week. I don’t smoke tailies, they’re way too expensive. It gets hard. It would be nice to have an extra $60 a week, but it’s not a new cost. When I get paid, I already know what I’ve got at the end of the week, after cigarettes.

My daughter has been really sick and it’s ongoing. She had another hospital visit and needed an emergency round of treatment. So, it’s been very stressful.

I had an accident too. I’d been keeping an eye on the neighbour’s cat while they were away, because the cat’s completely deaf. It wandered out on the road, didn’t hear a car coming and it nearly hit the cat. My son saw the cat on the road and freaked out. It was Christmas and I didn’t want my kids to remember Christmas as the Christmas the neighbour’s cat got killed. So, I walked out to rescue it.  My parents were visiting and Mum thought that the car had hit the cat. So, I’m holding it in my arms. It’s freaking out. I’m trying to calm it down. Mum races over, gives it a fright, it freaks out and one of its claws got stuck in my eyelid. It ripped a hole in my eyelid and I had 4 big cuts on my eyeball from the cat’s claws. For 2 weeks I couldn’t see properly. It was heartbreaking being told, “You may end up losing sight in that eye.” There’s a big scar on my eyelid now. You try to do something good in the world and it backfires.

So, I have been smoking a bit more. Christmas has been very stressful. I used to make a 30 gram last a week but it’s only lasting 3 or 4 days. Mum has been buying me a packet of tailor-mades every week to get me through to the next payday. Mum’s a heavy smoker too. She’s like, “You’ve got a lot on your plate with the kids. If I can help keep the stress at bay by buying you some cigarettes every week, I will.”

I prefer the rollies. I use the slow-burning papers – the blue zigzags – and can make it last longer. But I will smoke the tailies because I know I can’t afford to go out and get a second 30 gram, and at the end of the day it is a cigarette so I will smoke it.

Time to first cigarette

I get up, make the kids breakfast, then feed my daughter. While I’m feeding her the jug’s boiling and then I make a coffee and go sit out and have my cigarette. So usually, it’s within 10, 15 minutes. I can’t escape that first one, that one’s a need. 

Quit attempts?

It is something I have been thinking about. I’d love to be able to quit. Like, I get paid, my bills come out, I look at what money I’ve got left, and I’m like, I wish I didn’t have to go and spend $60 on cigarettes. That extra $60 would be really nice this week. And for my kids and everything, I’d love to be able to quit. I’m the type of person that can quit right now. I could say, that’s it, I’m done.

But my daughter’s quite sick and as soon as things get stressful, I know for a fact that even if I tell myself I’m not smoking, I know that I would end up going and getting more. I’d just set myself up for failure. Life for us is really stressful and it is really hard. That 5 minutes to myself, having a cigarette, calming down and regrouping myself – it’s helpful. I need it.  Some people say smoking’s a habit and it is. I am addicted but it does help me.

I haven’t found anything else that helps with the stress. There’s been times that I’m stressed out and I’ll instantly grab for the cigarettes and go, oh shit, I have bugger all left. I’ll get my laptop and start writing about what’s going on, what’s got me so stressed. I write poetry. I’ve written a couple of blogs. I put it all out there rather than having a cigarette and stewing on it. I write it down and I get it out and sometimes it can help me de-stress, but not always. 

The cost of tobacco

It is expensive. There’s times I get paid and I’m like, oh fuck, I wish I didn’t have to buy cigarettes, because it is a huge expense. The tobacco I smoke hasn’t gone up luckily, although it probably will at some point. Obviously $60 a week on cigarettes, that’s like a huge cost, but I’m still able to afford it.

There’s been a lot going on. The kids – both of their health is pretty bad at the moment. Some days are better than others.

I’m still smoking. I’ve probably increased to be honest. I used to be able to make a 30 gram of rolling tobacco last a week or thereabouts. Lately I’ve been having to buy a 20 pack of tailormades to get me through. I’m running out of tobacco a lot faster. It’s the stress.

I don’t really like smoking tailormades. I get a really sore throat. Tailormades are a lot stronger. You can get blue which are milder than red. But when I finish a tailormade I always feel like I need another one. I don’t feel like I’ve had that proper nicotine hit, like it hasn’t really done much for me. I can’t sit there and have 2 or 3 with a cup of coffee like I would with a rollie. 

Stress and chronically ill children

I’ve had a lot of late nights. Been coming home late from hospital appointments and hospital stays. Like, last week I got home at 10:30pm. By the time I got the kids to bed, it was 11pm. So, I poured myself a glass of wine and I went and sat outside and I had 4, 5 cigarettes over an hour. Even though I was knackered, and I should’ve probably been in bed, it was my time to sit down, think about what had happened that day. I had to return to the hospital the next day for my son, so I was trying to plan and think about how I was gonna tackle the next day.

He’s possibly looking at heart surgery again and he’s gotta go for a scan this week on his brain. My daughter’s booked in for surgery next month. So, a lot’s happening.

My parents have been here, and I’ve sat up late with them. They’re full-on smokers. So we go sit outside and we have a coffee and a cigarette. I wish I wasn’t smoking more. I do wish I was smoking less. But things have been very hard – going and sitting outside and having a cigarette and a coffee is like my only me time. It’s not every night. Some nights I’m just so exhausted that going and sitting outside and having a cigarette is too much effort. Every now and again I’m like, screw it, I’ll just go to bed and crash because I’m exhausted.

Quit attempts

Part of me does wanna quit. It is a very expensive habit to have. It’s certainly cheaper than having a drug habit or an alcohol problem. My mum has been helping me buy my cigarettes. Mum’s like, “I don’t mind helping out. Things for you right now are really stressful and I know that this is kinda the only thing that helps you through. When you’re stressed, you smoke. Now is not the time to give up. You wanna give up when you can be certain that you’re gonna actually give up. If you give up now, do you actually think you’d stay away from smoking? The next couple of months, with the kids taking turns in surgery, is gonna be stressful.  You’re gonna be sitting at the hospital while your baby is going through her third operation. You’re gonna be walking ’round stressing out.  You’re gonna be tempted to go across the road to the dairy and buy some smokes.”

Actually, she makes a good point. She knows how stressed the next couple of months are gonna be. She’s like, “When life starts to settle down a bit, then look at quitting.” So, I do wanna quit, but I know from times I’ve quit in the past, that I’m not ready to. 

Healthcare support to stop smoking

I didn’t actively ask. It was them pretty much telling me a few years ago, when I had an accident. I slipped over and I had issues with my back for ages. I finally went to my doctor, and I ended up going for an MRI and they were like, “You need spinal surgery.” I had the surgery. Then last year I tore the muscles between my hip and my knee. For the first 6 weeks I couldn’t walk or put any weight on that leg. I was having to use a walker and crutches around my house. Doing that caused more stress on my back. So, they said “We’ve given you spinal injections, tried medications, and it’s not improving ­– you need to go for more surgery.” But they said, “Because of the risks this time, you’re going to have to give up smoking and lose some weight before we can do the surgery.”

That’s real stressful obviously. There’s part of me that really wants to sort my health and obviously get my back fixed, but I know for my own mental health right now I can’t give up. They basically turned around and said, “We can’t do anything for you until you lose some weight and give up smoking.”

Right now, my biggest concern is my mental health. I’m a single mother to 2 chronically ill children, I can’t just snap my fingers and give up smoking and lose weight. My mental health has been really bad. I’ve had a lot of breakdowns. Things are really stressful and hard with the kids. The last couple of months have been horrible.

Tried vaping?

I have tried vaping in the past. I have a friend that vapes. I’d run out of cigarettes, and she was like, “Have a couple of puffs on the vape.” It was nice – she had some kinda raspberry and peach sweet fruity taste, but to me it was just pointless. It tasted nice but it didn’t do anything for me. I said to her, “Have you got nicotine in your vape?” She goes, “Yeah, this is 6mg.” I know you can get 0mg, 1mg, 2mg, 3mg, 6mg and I know people who like 12mg and higher. I thought the 6mg would be kinda nice, not too strong but not too weak, but it didn’t do anything for me.

Taxing tobacco

Sometimes payday comes and I’ll have 4, 5 tailormades left. I’m not smoking the whole packet because I don’t enjoy smoking tailormades. I’m spending like $26, $27 on tailormades rather than trying to find $60 for a 30 gram. I usually go for the cheapest. I buy tailormades so that when I need a cigarette, it’s there.

It would be nice to have that money again.

A few weeks ago, Mum was like, “Oh, I’m gonna go have a coffee and a cigarette, do you want one?” I said, “I’ve got no smokes left.” Mum was like, “Why don’t you pop over and grab some?” And I said, “I can’t afford it. All my money’s gone on gas and parking at the hospital this week, and then food shopping and bills.” Mum said, “That’s all good babe, I don’t mind helping you.” But I said, “I don’t want you to have to pay for my habit.” But I am very thankful for my mum for being able to help. 

Stop-smoking campaigns

I have the TV on at night-time for noise, and I’ve noticed there has been quite a few ads on smoking and quitting. I think it was quitsmoking.org.nz. It wasn’t the actual Smokefree company, but it was like quit smoking or quitnow.org.nz – something like that. I don’t really pay attention. I don’t actively watch the TV, it’s just there for noise. I hate silence.